Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
