gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
