she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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