I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
