Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
