Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
