Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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