Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
