remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
