If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
