ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize
