Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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