i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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