Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
