dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
