Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
