u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
