i'm signing you up for texting rehab
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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