I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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