I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
