I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
