Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
