Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
