You really coming over, don't trick.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Randomize
