Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
