I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
