do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
