Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
