so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
