So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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