Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
