i jhust puked up my retainher.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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