Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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