the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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