I'm so fucking centered right now
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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