I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
