I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize