I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
