He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Randomize
