I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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