Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
