Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
