and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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