I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
how does that bad decision feel?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
