I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Randomize
