This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
