Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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