sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
