she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
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