You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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