I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
