I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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