My room smells like vodka and shame
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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