What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
