FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
